1) Sex- Let’s be honest, the list can end here. Put yourself in his shoes, and consider all of the stupid shit that you have done over the years at the mere possibility of getting your dick wet. With a girlfriend, your buddy’s chances of poon are increased times infinity. So unless you are ready to dole out the occasional eastern grip hanj, say goodbye to pounding a six pack and watching Weekend at Bernies 2 every Taco Tuesday.
2) She smells better- His new girlfriend smells like a combination of butterflies and rainbows. You smell like a combination of moldy towels and dirty taint. Seriously when is the last time you bathed? Take a shower you sick fuck.
3) She has nicer stuff- Forgive him for wanting to sit on her brand new $2000 velvet sofa that could make angels weep in envy, and not the jizz-stained futon that you’ve had since sophomore year of college. Everybody knows it received a golden shower from your buddy Steve whenever he passed out drunk. You can only flip that shit over once, then you’re laying in excrement.
4) Tits- Just being in the same room as a good pair of sweater cows makes life ten times better. And now that your buddy is dating the biddie they are attached to, he feels like he has some ownership over them. Obviously he needs to take as much advantage of them as possible until she realizes that “just getting overly excited about the first time” is a reoccurring problem.
5) She lives in a better neighborhood- The first two times your car window was smashed in for the change in your cup holder could have been coincidence. Now it’s a weekly occurrence. Might as well just start telling people that garbage bag windows are the new spinning rims. Meanwhile daddy’s little princess is being put up in a gated neighborhood with an electric fence and sniper turrets.
6) When they go out, he gets all the beer AND free shots- Before hitting the bars, taking a twelve pack over to your place means he MIGHT get 6 beers depending on how many you abscond with during your power shower. Now when he pregames with his girl and her friends he gets to pound all of them in the 8 hours she takes to get ready and while her and her friends drink their $8 bottle of wine in an attempt to act like high class bitches. Even better, every group of girls has at least one skanky ho that is all about taking shots enroute to a blackout boning on the dance floor, and will gladly kick things off with the only man in sight. This means an additional 5-6 free shots of shitty vodka for your buddy taking him right over the border into Drunk Town. SIDENOTE: At the very least your buddy should forcibly push you in the direction of the aforementioned skanky ho. Otherwise he’s a dick anyway, so stop your bitching.
7) She makes him eat better- At first this may sound like a point for you, but the hours he has spent on the shitter after eating Taco Bell for three meals a day has taken its toll. Seriously, that shit should only be consumed when belligerently intoxicated. They could be open from 2-4am and still probably maintain 95% of their business. Plus you may have forfeited to having the same body type as that of a pillow, but your buddy still has hopes of getting the ol’ six pack back from when he was a linebacker in high school (if it makes you feel better, this’ll never happen).
8.) He gets to win… at everything- Bowling, minigolf, monopoly, Greco roman wrestling, it doesn’t matter. Girls simply lack the killer instinct that is innate in their male counterparts, and know full well that allowing their mate to feel even a hint of dominant machismo will only kick the testosterone up a notch and turn their nightly bone into an absolute fuckfest. Meanwhile the last time you two played Madden resulted in 4 stitches and a chipped tooth. And for the record, he doesn’t have to tell you which button makes you juke, so figure it out on your own you cock blaster.
9) Blowjobs- Blowjobs are in a class of their own. Is there anything better than sitting back and enjoying a good fellating on a brand new couch from someone that has tits and smells like butterflies and rainbows? No, there is not. And to make matters more critical there is only a small window of opportunity in which these genital tongue baths will occur with any kind of regularity. If he is ever dumb enough to put a ring on her finger the oral pleasure ends immediately, so might as well enjoy it while it lasts…
10) She’s a bitch- Girls are bitches, and the last thing she wants is for her new boy toy to be associated with a sack of shit like you. But really, can you blame her?
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posted by: John Craig, IN
11) You’re probably a much bigger fag that you think you are, which makes it easy for your friend to bail
Supposedly we all are bigger fags than we think we are.
supposedly?