Mark Teixeira Is A Penis

Few professional athletes bother me as much as Mark Teixeira.  He’s a pretty good ballplayer and probably a nice guy.  That still doesn’t stop me from thinking he is a penis.

Mark (Teh-Shar-Uh) reminds me of a combination of athletes I have played with over the course of my athletic career.  He seems like the type of guy who is probably legitimate friends with the coach.  Nobody else really likes him because he picks his nose in public far too often and is periodically caught eating his boogers.  Look at those nostrils.  Widened from years having his finger up his nose digging for gold.  He probably was the kind of kid who told people to be quiet on the bus when his high-school team went to away games.

Athletes normally fit into a box other athletes can understand.  ”Hard-working”, “naturally gifted”, and “very smart player” are some that everyone should be able to identify with (see Dennis Rodman, Marcus Robinson and Greg Maddux).  There are also “freak athletes” like LeBron James, Michael Phelps, and Shaq whose bodies are just built different than they should be (see Jevon Kearse).

Mark Teixeira probably was hated by his peers at every level of sports.  Everyone who has played sports had one guy like Teixeira on his team at some point.  A guy with pretty good genes and muscle tone who could hit a baseball 600 feet but for some reason looked awkward throwing a football.  Yet he was good at darts.  It never makes sense.  How can a guy this good at one thing not be good at other things that require similar skill sets?  Teixeira is the guy with the August birthday that plays against people mostly a full year younger than him.  A switch hitter because he just happens to be ambidextrous.

The Teixeiras of the world are the guys who don’t wash their gym clothes for a long time, but aren’t the meatheads who think its cool to do so and brag about it.  He’s the type of guy who doesn’t use enough deodorant.  The type of teammate who finishes first when having to do a fence lap because someone else screwed up.  Then the rest of the team has to look at him squirt water into his stupid face with something unimportant to say like, “Nice goin’ guys”.

I hate Mark Teixeira and I don’t even know him.  I just hate what he reminds me of.

Mark Teixeira is a penis.