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Dr. Gross,
I have not slept with a woman in quite some time. I’m 24 and not terrible-looking. Do you have any tips for me to pick up chicks that don’t include going to a library or buying expensive shoes?
-Desperately Gross
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Dear Desperately Gross,
Not getting laid is nothing to be ashamed of, unless “some time” is more than 1 calendar year. Many of us here at imgross don’t sleep with women based on the fact that women are nothing but conniving, immoral, promiscuous alcoholics who would give your best friend a blowjob in the backseat of his Saturn after the Snow Patrol concert even when you, her boyfriend at the time, bought the tickets but couldn’t go because you had to pick up an extra shift at Applebees to pay for his dog’s heartworm medication. Now where was I? Oh…yeah don’t go to the library to pick up chicks (Thats something Dr. Gross’s mom would suggest). I recommend cruising shady 4am bars (hint= be sober, but act drunk). The key to scoring with most women is to know what they are looking for. Most girls dig the type of guys who wear polo t-shirts, designer jeans and cologne. Sideburns optional. Your best bet is to pull what I call the “Viceroy Butterfly”. You see, the non-toxic Viceroy has evolved to mimic the highly toxic Monarch Butterfly to avoid predators. All you need to do is look the part and you have your foot in the door. Buy some cheap polos ($8 at Old Navy) throw on a backwards Cubs hat ($0 if you borrow it from a friend) and watch Swingers twice before you go out (Netflix $8.99/month). Once you begin talking to a girl you find acceptable as a mate, talk mostly about your passion for film ( a lie) , the genocide in Rwanda (tip=get emotional), and buy a lot of SoCo Lime shots for her and her friends. If that aint a recipe for getting your Peter-Piper pickled, I don’t know what is. Good Luck.
Grossly Yours,
Dr. Gross
truer words never spoken
women will leave ya, dogs will die, but good land goes on forever
Where can i submit questions to Dr. Gross?
submit to: imgross.org@gmail.com