The Blow Job Manifesto

In a recent conversation with a female friend, I realized that there is a large gap between how men and women perceive fellatio. I believe that the two sexes have very different working definitions for what constitutes a blow job and there are several other discrepancies between the opposing philosophies.

A woman’s definition of a blow job is something like: “any time a put a guys dick in my mouth and suck it’s a blow job.”

Now you are correct on the account that if you are my girlfriend and you do that to another guy, I’m going to say you gave him a blow job, but that’s not the definition we would use if the phenomenon is a first person experience.

A man’s definition of a blow job is something like: “any time a girl puts my dick in her mouth with out me having to coerce her too much, and proceeds until completion.”

Now a bunch of women just read that and said, “What?” so let me explain. If you put my dick in your mouth as a courtesy pre-coitus, that’s not really a blow job. I’m not putting that one in my stat column and any man that does is the equivalent of a big leaguer caught with steroids. Those “blow jobs” get an asterisk. If I was writing an e-mail to a friend about the sexual encounter I’d say, “Yeah she gave me a blow job* then we had sex.”

I curse myself thinking of my life a decade ago when I was in high school and blow jobs were readily available from girls who weren’t yet ready to “go all the way.” Like fools though, we teenage boys pressured these women into having sex with us and the blow job utopia that we had enjoyed was now gone. The only way that scenario could ever be realized again is if I could find one of the crazy ultra-Christian girls that will blow you and and let you butt fuck her til the cows come home, but won’t have vaginal intercourse until she is married.

This begs the question: Would you rather have a girl that never blows you and gives you sex all the time or a girl that blows you but won’t have sex with you?

There’s no easy answer, but it would really depend on what kind of sex we are having. I mean, is she porno fucking me or is it lights off, penis through the hole in the boxers, missionary style sex?  If it’s the latter, I’ll take the blow job girl, because the only thing more despicable than a girl that won’t give head is a girl who won’t give head AND won’t put any work into sex.

The next issue, for the ladies that are decent enough to give knobbers, is swallowing. As a man, I find it disrespectful to spit. When I’m going down on you, I basically have to put my face inside of you, so swallowing a teaspoon of my zygotes is not going to kill you. Nothing is worse than receiving a nice enthusiastic blow job only for the aftermath to be her holding her hand over her mouth making inaudible noises and gesturing towards the night stand for the gatorade bottle you’ve been using as a water bottle for the last 3 weeks, you handing it to her, and her spitting your wad in there.  Now I have to buy another gatorade.

I’d like to note that at no point have I made any mention of use of hands, ball attention, tongue action, eye contact, etc. This is because I believe that the way a woman performs oral sex is like a hitter’s batting stance. Some produce great results by having unorthodox mechanics and some need to stick strictly to the fundamentals. Where a man comes in is as the hitting coach. If she’s just not getting it done and not producing results, you come in and make adjustments until she is both comfortable and productive. Technique is only important insofar that it gets results.

I hope this didn’t feel like a bitch session, but rather a constructive information session to get both genders on the same page. And to those women who have been good enough to blow me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I want you to know that just about all of you are still in the regular rotation as mental material.