Old Navy Murders

There was a murder-suicide at the Old Navy store on State Street in downtown Chicago, Illinois a few days ago.  A man walked into an Old Navy store with his girlfriend, shot her, and then proceeded to shoot himself.

In an Old Navy.

Call me callous, but upon hearing this news I immediately thought dude, way to fail. You chose Old Navy?  Think about your audience!  And even worse, that particular Old Navy is full of tourists and middle-aged women with fat asses.  I cannot believe you would choose those toting CTA maps in fanny-packs while purchasing ill-fitting jeans as those who witness your last moment on earth.

And not to be petty here, but Old Navy is gross in general.  Their clothes are absolutely heinous.  Here, check out this shirt. What is that?  Do you want to die in an establishment that that pushes shit described as “Carribean cruise couture for less” to fat-girls?  Personally, I don’t.

Which leads me to my final point: adding insult to injury.  Murdering your girlfriend in an Old Navy is comparable to purchasing clothes from Old Navy as your girlfriend’s birthday gift.  Much better gift: clothes from a store that makes jeans for women with voluptuous asses, god dammit.  (Not like I’m bitter or anything.)

Anyway, how rude!  If I’m ever involved in a murder-suicide, I want it to be poetic and beautiful.  I would also prefer it not go down in the McDonald’s of fashion.  If you feel the need to get retail with the situation, at least make a little effort.  Shoot me in a Tiffany’s or in an H & M, or in a place with prettier shit than Old Fucking Navy.

Christ.  Old Navy.

How horribly depressing.

Maybe this would have been a better place to commit a murder-suicide in downtown Chicago.  Then someone could have taken a picture of it and put it on facebook.

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posted by: Petrey, IL