10 Worst Kinds of Couples

We know there are men you shouldn’t date.  We know there are women you shouldn’t date.  There are also people that don’t mix well with one another, not unlike the peppermint schnapps and orange juice eye opener I choked down this morning.  You will notice a significant amount of overlap, because let’s face it, shitty couples are shitty for a reason.

1. Over protective boyfriend couple-
He’s just always around.  He picks her up from work.  He eavesdrops on all of her conversations.  He’s always puffy chested when other men are around.  He knows she’s too good for him and realizes it’s only a matter of time until it’s over.  Fear and intimidation are his only recourse for delaying the inevitable.

2. Stare deep into each other’s eyes couples-
It’s hard to be around them, because they are just way too fucking into each other.  Fortunately, in pretty much all cases, these couples realize that they have nothing in common and don’t last very long.  After the initial attraction wears off, it’s a pretty rapid downward spiral.

3. Girl runs guys world couple-
“Sure babe, I’ll walk cuddles for you,” says the guy you see walking a toy dog down the street, cleaning up it’s little turds.  She tells him what to do and he complies.  Much like the over protective boyfriend, he realizes she is too good for him and knows it’s only a matter of time.  He takes the passive approach and hopes that if he carries out her every wish she will become reliant on him being a pussy.  And if it does work out, congratulations, you’re never getting a blow job for the rest of your life, bud.

4. Girls way too hot for guy couple-This is usually a carryover from high school or early college years.  The relationship begins before the female has reached her full potential and neither immediately realizes the discrepancy in physical attractiveness.  Eventually the male will be first too notice and the couple will advance towards breakup with the relationship evolving to either #1 or #3.

5. Older guy, young girl in need of father figure couple-
The guy is older, wiser and financially more stable.  Or at least 2 of those 3.  As a result the girl is completely reliant upon him.  She doesn’t know how to renew her license plate sticker and has never filed her taxes without the help of her parent’s accountant.  The guy is able to demonstrate his knowledge and ability for performing such remedial tasks, thus rendering the girl helpless without him.

6. All the same common interest couple-
A standard facebook update from one of these people looks like, “watching season finale of (insert TV show) tonight, resting up for the (insert local sports team here) game and (insert shitty band here) concert this weekend!”  Splitting up the DVD collection is a real task when the breakup comes.

7. Fight in public couple-
A miserable couple to be around in social situations.  The guys keep telling him, “Just chill out, bro,” and the girls tell her, “It’s going to be ok.”  They usually ruin everyone’s evening and somehow manage to make it an issue between you and your significant other.  Try to keep her and the girls away from the bathroom and for god sake keep him the fuck away from the bar.

8. One person is always too drunk couple-
Similar to #7, however, it doesn’t necessarily lead to fighting with each other.  It does usually lead to a ruined evening for everyone involved though.  If he’s not fighting with her then he is probably looking to fight with a guy he believes is looking at her.  If she’s not fighting with him she’s probably dancing or throwing up in the bathroom.

9. Date night couple-
No matter what the situation, their obligation to one another cannot be broken.  Got playoff tickets?  Sorry bro, it’s my night with my lady.  Got the equivalent to playoff tickets for a girl (I’m not entirely sure what this could be, perhaps a friends birthday)?  Sorry girls, it’s my night with the guy.  If you don’t spend one Sunday night together, the world won’t end.

10. Starting to look alike couple-
Mostly a result of her dressing him and him forcing her to take an interest in sports.  Nice matching Mark Buerhle T-shirt jerseys.  Nothing is more pathetic than seeing one of your friends who usually dresses like a piece of shit wearing a nice button down.  She might get him into tanning and their skin tones will even match.  Their general sense of fashion begins to synergize and eventually they have a brother/sister thing going on which is creepy.