A few days ago, a post on this site described the 10 Worst Kind of Guys to Date. I did not actually read that post, due to an advanced medical condition my doctor calls “you’re fucking illiterate”, but the concept did strike me as being somewhat one-sided. I mean, who will speak up for the middle-class, straight, white American males in all of this? When will we finally get our say? Kids, that time is now. As someone who has heard about someone who spoke with a person who met a guy who saw a movie about a guy who dated a girl, I feel tremendously qualified to present to you the 10 Worst Kind of Girls to Date (note that this is a list of types of girls you would not want to date, not the 10 worst kind of girls up until this point in time. The wording is tricky).
1. All of them
Let’s face it: all girls are nuts. (Strangely, the converse is also true – all nuts are girls. That is, they are simple dry fruits in which the ovary wall has become hardened). Anyway, I have found the secret to not dating women, and I would be glad to share it with any reader in exchange for some missing issues in my Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novel collection, or for Dora the Explorer erotic fiction.
2. Girls with abnormally large Adam’s Apples
We’ve all been there before – you finally meet a great girl who has it all: strong arms, deep and soothing voice, love for bacon and hockey, killer right hook. Then when you finally get into her Wranglers, you find out she has an enormous dick. Then two weeks later she tells you she is actually a man. I mean, this could happen to anyone one or two times, but after the eighth occurrence, I’m thinking I might need to go to a different bar than The Manhole.
The manhole is there, you just have to find it. (it's now called Hydrate)
3. Girls that are too nice
Her: “Let’s go to the homeless shelter and volunteer in the food line”
Me: “Uhh…ok, but I’d rather stay home and fuck your mouth.”
4. Girls that are too nasty
Her: “I want you to fuck me in the mouth.”
Me: “Gross! Who even thinks of things like that? You need some serious counseling – hey, are you gonna finish the rest of your homeless guy?”
Destitute and delicious.
5. Girls that went to law school, girls that are massage therapists, girls that are social workers
I’m not even making a joke here. Anyone that has dated any of these types of women knows they are shit-nuts (cue every guy reading this, eyes wide with half-remembered horrors, nodding slowly). I don’t know what makes these girls snap, and I don’t want to know. It may even be a chicken/egg thing, like only crazy girls go into these professions. Either way: avoid at all costs. I was thinking of adding nannies to this list as well, but that comes awfully close to category #1.
6. Indie Rock chicks
I don’t know if it’s the loud music that jarred something loose in their brains, or what. I suspect it is the task of having to memorize so much irrelevant and otherwise useless information that has warped their brains. See, guy’s brains are built for this task (see Jeopardy/sports), so when women attempt to get fully involved in these stupid pursuits, it requires them to shut down the reasoning section of their brain, which is honestly the only thing keeping them from being guys with boobs. And frankly, if I wanted to date guys, I’d go back to the Manhole (3458 North Halsted Street, Chicago. 2-for-1 well drinks on Friday!).
7. Any girl who ever uses the word ‘blessed’ ever, at all, in any context
8. Those girls that show all that top gum when they smile
What’s up with that? How has that not been bred out of the population yet? Who is procreating with these women? I suspect horseplay.
Actual father: Mr. Ed
9. Lisa Sullivan
You know who you are. I still want my bike back.
10. Hookworm bitches
Look, we all find chicks with intestinal parasites insanely hot, but the reality of dating one? It’s all: “I have to go to the doctor”, “I’m hungry” and, “I’ve had blood in my stool for three days.”…but she ignores all of your sweet conversation starters and talks about her damn hookworm instead. Typical self-centered woman. If it’s one thing I can’t stand, its people who only want to talk about themselves. And the Irish.
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I apologize if I couldn’t be as oddly-specific as the 10 Worst Kind of Guys to Date (which strangely left out “Guys that are over 8 feet tall”, “Guys who write articles for obscure blogs”, and “Nick Cage”), but I didn’t want to offend any female readers out there who have become overwhelmed with lust after reading these sexy lines of semi-coherent prose. To those ladies, I can be reached as always at nomeansyesasdoessilence@freedonkeyposter.com
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posted by : Bobkerrolls, MA
www.freedonkeyposter.com
brilliant
Where did you get that picture of me as a homeless guy?
I only like to fuck girls. why would i ever want to date them?
“Then when you finally get into her Wranglers, you find out she has an enormous dick.” made me spit out my milk.
Law student girls are the worst.
i love you guys have bed wetting ads on your sidebar. the product is for like 8 year olds.
is that the imgross demographic??
yeah bobby is right. a very strange marketing scheme on this site. girls boarding schools?
Its true. Girls are only good for sewing your royal oats. Don’t date them.
law school girls disgust me… they are horrid horrid know it alls… give bad head as well
awww, i can understand why most of the imgross.org demographic is against dating female law students. i mean, come on. this website is the epitome of misogyny. i wouldn’t expect anything less from you guys.
it’s ok, though. the majority of us are sympathetic to your plight in that we know you find our intellect and, in my specific case, overall attractiveness incredibly intimidating. this extends not just to law students (as it is a stupid demographic to pick on because crazy, stuck-up bitches exist in every profession) but to all educated, intelligent, and successful women in this world who you all lovvvve to hate.
these are the overall reasons we’re averse to dating you as well. see also: general lack of motivation, poor hygiene, little to no career prospects, the fact that i would turn down 99% of you in a heartbeat, an inability to discuss topics outside sports/the last time you all got “wasted,” horrendous beer guts, et. al.
therefore, i would recommend you keep dating the female versions of yourselves and leave us to pursue…more viable options. trust me. you “disgust” us as well.
problem solved! wasn’t that easy?
and as a side note?
i give great head.
now if you’ll excuse me, i have to get back to studying for my law school finals and castrating random dudes.
kisses,
ashley
slow down, ashley. slow down.
ashley sucks.
if ashley ever wrote an article for imgross i would bash it for 4 straight hours. write something!
admin: you know that’s an impossibility.
frank: touche.
lucas: done and done. stay tuned.
What’s a touche?
our google advertisements are normally reflective of the website’s content. we write an article on bedwetting, they give us an ad for it. we claim to be funding terrorism, they give us dancing boys of afghanistan. we talk about being gross, they give us tips on how to trim bellyfat. its symbiotic.
general lack of motivation- check: that’s basically a one sentence description of my entire personality
poor hygiene – check
little to no career prospects – does homeless drunk count as a career?
the fact that i would turn down 99% of you in a heartbeat – so you are saying I have a chance. How…delightful
an inability to discuss topics outside sports/the last time you all got “wasted,” – check: unless misogyny counts as a topic
horrendous beer guts, et. al. – et al. (correctly punctuated in my instance) generally refers to a collection of people, such as when citing various authors in a footnote. That is, I think its proper usage is for describing a group of people, rather than a group of characteristics/concepts. I could be wrong here.
Still, I can’t deny you pretty much have me spot on, including beer gut. Let me know when you’re free, and we can discuss other more…personal matters.
I respect you a ridiculous amount after posting that reply