Giants edge out the Brewers for fattest team in baseball

During a recent imgross study our interns were told to calculate the fatness of each major league baseball team. Some of the factors used to calculate a team’s fatness included: pre/post game food spreads, jersey bagginess, and sunflower seed consumption. All while giving relief pitchers and players coached by Tommy Lasorda a 10lbs. handicap.

Before the season started most predicted a landslide victory by the San Francisco Giants because of team members Bengie Molina, Pablo Sandoval, and aging fat man Juan Uribe. This did not end up being the case.

The reason being, this spring training Uribe showed up to the Giants camp minus 20lbs. “I can’t believe it” said teammate Aaron Rowand, “I thought for sure he was going to eat his way out of the league in the next couple of years.”

When asked why he dropped the weight Uribe said, “It finally dawned on me that it’s pretty sweet to make an enormous amount of money to play baseball.”

Uribe has kept the weight off thus far, but is still considered ridiculously fat for a major league baseball player.  In the end, the Giants did hold on to the victory for the fattest team title. Most of the players are thanking Molina’s love handles for that little extra push at the end.

The Milwaukee Brewers gave the Giants a run for their money with veterans Todd Coffey and Prince Fielder looking extra fat this year, but it just wasn’t enough. “I’m really disappointed” Coffey said, “I ate so much fucking cheese this winter!”

Most think the Giants will have the fatness title locked up for years to come as long as the nucleus of Molina, Sandoval, and Uribe stay together.