Top 10 worst types of guys to date

article by: Tequila Mockingbird, NY

10. The Death Metal, Non Conformist, Woman Hating Bass Player
How to spot one: Look out for Doc Martens and/or dirty white Reeboks. He’s probably from New Jersey, has an ex-girlfriend he still loves, and very proudly smokes Newports. He randomly drives a stick shift and regularly curses modern-day popular music as he silently weeps and head bangs the fuck out of you with his 6 foot tall, 105 pound body. YEAH.
Pros - Will willingly drive you around. Cons - Might kill you.

9. The Avid Cyclist With Too Many Feelings
How to spot one: Look on any random street corner. See the dirty homeless-esque looking guy sporting ripped jeans and a fanny pack? He’s probably texting on his Blackberry whilst not holding the handle bars to his beloved fixed gear. Yeah, him. He hasn’t showered in weeks, probably has “Livz2Ryd” tattooed somewhere on his body, and occasionally fakes Republican just for the sake of getting into arguments. He still lives at home because his mom bribed him with a Blackberry and/or iPhone and spends his time researching and trying new and innovative ways to navigate the city on a bike as opposed to a vehicle. (Is there an app for that yet?)
Pros - This relationship constitutes lots of exercise. Cons - He’s always in the hospital.

8. The Lit Major
Pretty self-explanatory.
Pros - Likes good books. Cons - Erectile disfunction.

7. The Self-Loathing & Socially Awkward Comedian
How to spot one: He was probably fat and/or weird in high school and is constantly reiterating how “weird” and “different” he is. He can definitely make you laugh and might even write songs, but don’t let that fool you. He cares way more about his hair than he ever will you, plus, he has a controlling ex-girlfriend and/or mother somewhere in his life who he is frightened to death of, and therefore, cannot date you because of. He’s probably a film or theatre major, since “Comedy” wasn’t an option. Has no social skills whatsoever. Don’t worry, its not you who’s the awkward one.
Pros - Will make you laugh. Cons - Maybe suicidal/has a mom/ex that might kill you.

6. The Dubstep Producer/Underage Club Promoter
How to spot one: He lives for house music, loves ecstasy, and is probably 25 but LOVES that you’re 16. He manages to incorporate the word “bass” into everyday conversations, and drives a strangely nice car for what he does for a living. Was cool in high school, and is forever stuck there in his mind.
Pros - Can get you into events, but only if they’re sponsored by Vitamin Water. Cons - Hangs out with your little brother’s friends

5. The Acid-Dropping Extrovert With an Obscure Haircut
How to spot one: He was probably kicked out of his liberal arts college for dealing acid to freshman, but that didn’t stop him. He is still the loudest and most interesting kid at the party, even if he often stops mid-conversation and asks you if he’s seen his zebra. Probably has strangely colored hair and/or dreadlocks, and dresses like he fell out of a warp-hole that connected the Renaissance, 70′s, and 1998. He isn’t necessarily attractive, but his jolly attitude and irresistible perpetually enlarged pupils make him oh sooo dreamy.
Pros - Free drugs. All the time. Cons - The sex is horrible, usually because he’s hallucinating that you’re actually a large rooster

4. The Modelesque Trustfundee
How to spot one: He is abnormally good looking and extremely wealthy, however, chooses to ignore this and moves to a bad part of town to become an artist. Rarely leaves home and is what one would call an introvert, however, due to his fortunate life is able to booty call almost any female on his Facebook friends and convince her to drive to the Projects. Everyone who has ever met him remembers him, but he remembers no one. He changes his life plan every nine days, but really just ends up staying home, getting drunk, and “doing art.” Is and will always be infamous, yet he has no clue.
Pros - Being able to brag about dating him. Cons - Alcoholism.

3. The Medicated Foreign-Exchange Poet
How to spot one: You’ll notice his cute accent and bronze skin from the very second you lay eyes on him, but don’t let this fool you. Sure, he is foreign, has lots of feelings, and a literary blog with his poetry on it, but you have never met anyone who feels so sorry for themselves. His life is always worse than everyone else’s, and although he could have any woman he wanted and has finally conquered his dream of living in America, he is and will always be depressed for no reason. He sits at home alone watching Shakespeare movies, and falls deeply in love with women who will never feel the same. He is stubborn, selfish, and is overly-medicated.
Pros - Will write you poetry on his blog. Cons - Can’t/won’t last for more than 5 minutes, then will blame the Xanax.

2. The Well-Endowed Hometown Enthusiast AKA The Snoop Dogg
How to spot one: He proudly reps whatever city he’s from, and does it from his Facebook and/or Twitter while chugging a forty with his crew. He is probably tall and plays seven sports, and has and will always have women drooling all over him. Has an abnormally large penis, and will happily show it to you, whether you want him to or not. Has a borderline alcohol problem although discrete, because usually he’s drinking beer. Loves boobs more than any other man you will meet, and has a secret internet-perve persona only a few unsuspecting Freshman girls ever get to see. Prefers head over ex, and doggy style over missionary. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that he sees women as objects.
Pros - 9 inches. Cons - Borderline sexual harrassment.

1. The Intellectual Elitist Library Dweller Who Dresses Shockingly Similar to a UPS Delivery Man
How to spot one: Looks like he should be delivering packages, and gladly will, if you know what I mean. Is too intelligent for his own good, and therefore is rude (borderline evil) to the rest of the human race. Will make you feel like shit 99% of the time, but for the other 1% when he’s speaking whatever foreign language he learned that week and/or jacking off to your Facebook photos, makes you feel like you’re queen of the world. This one is particularly dangerous, because although you’re fully aware of how evil he really is, you keep coming back for more. He might be a socio-path, and has pursued you and all of your friends, but he’s so god damn smart it always seems that its a honor for him to be speaking to you. You may blush upon hearing his name, and question your vocabulary and/or grammar when he facebook chats you, but you always manage to think you’re in love with him.
Pros - Every guy you date afterwards seems really nice.

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posted by: Tequila Mockingbird, NY