Upper management postponed salary increases for the second consecutive year at Omnistar Communications while prodding employees to serve their company with even more vigor during the ongoing economic downturn. The majority of employees at the annual “Business Forward” meeting reacted to the call to improve accountability at individual and company-wide levels with disdainful sneers. Assistant Media Buyer, Eric Schloessinger, age 25, took it upon himself, however, to take the challenges head-on for the good of the company. Rather than partake in the usual Friday after work drinks and diatribes, Schloessinger abstained and constructed a retractable dome over his cubicle, instead.
Colleagues returned from uneventful weekends, stymied by financial restraints, to behold the office’s first ever “Cubi-Dome.” Unsure what to make of it, a crowd formed around Schloessinger’s Cubi-Dome. “It makes perfect sense,” said one enthused co-worker, “Did you know that a dome team in the NFL is 15 percent more likely to win at home? This year’s Super Bowl—both Dome Teams. You have to be agile nowadays and have one hell of a passing game.” An office mate later wheeled over an office chair and tried to peer through the Cubi-Dome’s roof, until Schloessinger promptly closed it. “I can’t believe Schloess did that…We’re buddies! I just want to know what he’s got going on in there. Oh well, he must’ve closed the roof to get the decibels roaring up to deafening levels!”
Liz Freeman, Head of HR, commended Schloessinger for dedicating an entire weekend installing the retractable dome for the betterment of Omnistar. “It’s quite an investment. The dome removes all distractions from the work place (i.e. noisy conversations, country music coming from radios, the smell of Vic D’Nunzio, etc.) while creating an environment conducive for high concentration levels that strongly correlate with optimal performance in the workplace. He’s setting himself up as a prime candidate for ‘Star Reacher of the Year’!”
Upon gaining entrance to Cubi-Dome for an exclusive interview with the future Peyton Manning of Omnistar, Schloessinger quickly audibled out of Youtube to an Excel worksheet. He described the installation as “pretty easy” and the name as “kind of catchy.” He went on to explain his sole motivation for the modification was to elicit eventual termination from Omnistar in a manner that skirted corporate policy and guaranteed unemployment checks until he eventually found a new job. He never imagined the entire office would embrace it and consider it “innovative.” He did, however, praise the advantages of never having to hear female co-workers discuss the Twilight book series again.
posted by: joseph
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