One of the most exciting time in any person’s life is the very first time they are given an empty cup at a restaurant, pointed towards a line of drink dispensing fountains, and told to have at it. I remember my first time. I was at the Burger King in Orland Park, Illinois. My mom handed me that distinctive brown cup and said, “Now, Honey-Bunchy you can go pick out your drinky-poo.” I gulped and walked over to the fountain and stared in awe at the array of selections.
There was Coca-Cola. There was Mr. Pibb. There was something called Fresca (which I assumed was some sort of rocket fuel). I spun around and around feeling like a princess at my first of many proms. And then I finally settled on Sprite and took a big sip right away. And, ladies and gents, I was satisfied.
Then I turned around and saw a long line of angry Burger King customers waiting to get their own drinks, looking at this little butthead spinning and sipping like a moron. They weren’t happy and they wanted blood.
I quickly ran out the door and was found a few weeks later by my real mother and not the nanny who kidnapped me, called me Honey Bunch, and forced me to eat at Burger King. But despite the harrowing experience, I had learned one important fact: I love soda fountains!
At the same time, however, I learned another fact: most people don’t understand how to properly use the soda fountain. They abuse it like a middle child and cause fellow patrons great discomfort and annoyance. After that first poorly executed fountain experience, I strived to always approach the art of drink dispensing with class and empathy to those around me.
I used to hope to influence people by example, thinking that as more people witnessed my technique, more people would put it into action. Unfortunately, it seems that the human race has gotten even worse at drink dispension. So now I will try one last ditch effort to change the world. With that, I give you a refresher course.
RULE # 1: Know Your Surroundings
This is the most important rule and if you take away anything from this lesson, I ask you to remember this. Look around you! If you see a large group of people converging onto the fountain, make note. This is going to limit the amount of innovation you can employ into this current beverage experience. But that’s okay. Pouring a beverage isn’t supposed to be some complicated procedure like splitting the atom or taking off a girl’s bra. It’s about pouring a damn drink.
If, in a very rare circumstance, the soda fountain is deserted, then you can take a bit of time to experiment. Want to mix Iced Tea with Lemonade? Go ahead. It’s delicious. Feel like trying Diet Coke with Sprite? Okay. That’s gross, but whatever? Want to try Mountain Dew with Fanta? Well you can’t! One is made by Pepsi and one is made by Coke. Idiot.
RULE # 2: Plan Ahead
Nearly every time you approach a soda fountain, you will be naturally herded into a line to wait for your turn to pour your drink. Usually the line is only a couple people deep. Sometimes it’s like waiting for Batman: The Ride. Yet no matter the length of the line, you shouldn’t enter it until you know exactly which drink you will be dispensing.
Now it’s likely that your are a very experienced beverage drinker like myself and are already well-aware of your drink of choice. But if you are not, don’t get in line and wait the entire time only to reach the front and be frazzled. If you are unsure of your selection, step to the side and take an overview of your choices. Only when you have made a decision should you step into line.
RULE # 3: Leave the Improvisation to the Ryan Stiles of the World.
I initially meant to go with Wayne Brady there. I went with Ryan Stiles because he seemed a little more obscure. I improvised at the last second and am quite happy with the results. But ad libbing while blogging is an acceptable and universally lauded action. Improvising while pouring a drink is not.
If you followed Rule # 2, you shouldn’t have reached the front of the line without a clear beverage decision in mind. Yet if you are sure you want Surge and at the last minute decide that you’d rather have Diet 7 Up, well, too bad. You are stuck with Surge. Even if you think it’d be just as simple moving your cup a few inches to the left, you’d be surprised how often this ends with the restaurant patron staring mind-numbingly into the straw dispenser as fellow restaurateurs wait impatiently. The human brain simply can’t handle a last minute switch like that. You might think yours can, but why tempt fate?
RULE # 4: I think that’s enough ice, don’t you, chief?
Ice, if you want to get scientific, is really nothing more than frozen water. It makes your drink cold. And most of the time, restaurants don’t charge you extra for it. But that doesn’t mean you have to be some kind of ice-hog. A rule of thumb with ice is to use slightly less then you think you should be using currently. For the most part, when beverages are dispensed from a soda fountain, it comes out pretty cold. I’ve known some people to go ice free because it is cold enough for them. I wouldn’t recommend this to any soda-novices, but it just goes to show how often people are overusing ice. You don’t need 3/4 of a cup of ice to cool off your Code Red Mountain Dew. A few individual cubes will do just fine.
(EXCEPTION: If you are an Iced Tea drinker like myself and your product is dispensed a separate brewing canister other than from the general soda fountain, more ice is necessary. The beverage from those contraptions comes out hotter than Justin Bieber to a NAMBLA member. Ice it up!)
RULE # 5: Get In–Get Out–No Sips
You are at a soda fountain. Not a wine tasting. When you pour your drink and it reaches the brim, immediately cap it and step aside. In no culture worldwide or even throughout the universe is it acceptable to pour your drink, take a sip, and then refill your drink again immediately. I don’t care if you just entered a Carl’s Jr. after spending six weeks without water in the desert. Fill your cup once and walk away.
RULE # 6: One Cup Maximum
This situation will generally come up after you have sit down for a little while and finished your first glass of pop/tea/other. You stand to get one of your many, many refills and your dining partner asks if you will refill their cup as well.
This is always a tense moment and the bright and shining goodness that is deep within all of our souls will want you to accept this mission. Ignore that goodness. Be polite, but firm and say, “I will be unable to do that.”
Sometimes your dining partner might be a small child. Or an elderly bus driver. Or a legless state senator. No matter who the partner is, you must still say no. Each soda fountain experience is an experience meant to be enjoyed by the individual beverage artist. Don’t sully yours by trying to split the journey into two.
Rule # 7: Have Fun!
You’ve earned it!
posted by properlounge.com
hilarious. love it, now what about the starbucks sugar/creamer station?
we’ll see what we can do.