This goes out to all the single ladies (all the single ladies). Recently a post was presented with ‘Polite Booty Call Rules for Guys‘. It got mad comments (22). Always one to cash in on incidental Internet fame.
1) Call us for booty calls.
Seriously? You call us and we have sex? Best. Arrangement. Ever. Really, calling us for sex is awesome, what with the sex and all. PRO TIP: No fatties (Secret hint: Fatties are OK too)
2) You do not make fun of our oddly-shaped junk, calling it the ‘rotting banana’. the ‘Vienna snausage’ or the ‘tri-colored rotini’.
3.) Actual booty must be involved. None of this lying on your back shit. And don’t look at us if you want this shit to work.
4) Make some noise, but not too much.
If you are completely silent, I might as well be at home pretending to have sex with a pound of ground chuck (am I right fellas? Fellas?) But if you are too crazy, it throws us off our game. Here is an example of too much madness, taken verbatim from one of my many (2) sexual exploits:
Her: Oh fuck yes! Fuck me hard with your huge dick!
Me: What? I don’t have a huge dick.
Her: Oh god! I’m going to come so hard!
Me: Really? Because we’ve been fucking for like, two minutes.
5) Join with us in a fun game of ‘what shape is my jizz puddle’.
Hours of fun for the whole family. What does it look like? A pirate ship? A fluffy bunny? The always popular map of Hawaii?
Don’t fuck with me, you know this joke.
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You know what, fuck all this noise. Number 1 is where it’s at. Call us for sex, and we will be happy to oblige with no arbitrary rules attached
In conclusion, ladies, let it be known that whatever these jerks say to you to get you into bed, I, bobkerolls, respect your brain or personality or whatever, and am always available whenever you need a strong masculine man to listen to your childish yapping. I can also promise 5 solid minutes of tender fuckin’, PLUS 12 minutes of confused apologies, PLUS 2 minutes to sign a confidentiality/release agreement. I can be reached at momitoldyounottousethisemailitsjustforsexualconquests@freedonkeyposter.com
bobkerolls
freedonkeyposter.com
a very comprehensive, air tight list. good work sir.
this website is dumb. i wish you would stick to commentary and not on jizz puddle humor.
seemingly valid commentary, beard humor, and now “jizz puddle” humor? imgross is a success!
This wasn’t meant to be humorous.
this. is amazing.
never really wanted to go to Hawaii.
I love it! Also there’s nothing wrong with making a girl cum in two minutes ;o)
i hear you on the lb of ground chuck, bob.