Kevin McCallister Arrested, Wet Bandits Vindicated

In breaking news, 28 year old Kevin McCallister of Chicago Illinois has been arrested after 10 dead bodies were found in his spooky basement furnace. You may all remember that 20 years ago on Christmas Eve the notorious wet bandits were arrested for a string of burglaries. Found battered and bruised they insisted that they were viciously assaulted by the then 8 year old McCAllister through a series of traps set in and around the boy’s home. No proof was ever found. Police say that when they questioned McCallister about the incident he showed charm and adamantly denied that anything ever happened that night.

Marv of the wet bandits was quoted as saying, “That kid is a sociopath what kind of sick (expletive) kid comes up with this kind of stuff.” His accomplice Harry said, “That razle fricking (inaudible) bastard took a blow torch to my head and knocked my gold tooth out with a (expletive) paint can.” Twenty years later the wet bandits said that if the police would have just listened to them all of this could have been prevented. “The ice on the steps was one thing, but I really knew something was wrong with the kid at the micro machine trap at the bottom of the stairs, the kid took the (expletive) time to put the rocket on the military truck micro machine in the pointing upward position, it stabbed me in the spine,” said Marv. That kid showed no remorse, no empathy for the pain that Marv and I went through; looking into his eyes was like staring into a black hole.” said Harry. McCallister’s parents were completely surprised, but his uncle Frank said he knew all along. “That little jerk was always trouble; he once ruined a delicious family pizza dinner because he went ape shit that there was no cheese pizza left for him,” said Frank.

All of McCallister’s later victims seemed to be made up of people who randomly came to his door, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Cutco Knife salesmen, Girl Scouts, and more Jehovah’s Witnesses. When being taken in by police all McCallister would say was, “This is my house, I have to defend it,” and, “The furnace talked to me and told me to do it.” Sergeant Peterson of the Chicago Police said that a tip from a neighbor, the son of old man Murphy aka the South Bend Shovel Slayer, led police to the house. When Chicago Police arrived and entered McCallister’s home three officers were decapitated by some sort of trap when they busted down the front door. After further investigation in the house extensive battle plans drawn out in crayola crayon were found, one in particular that dated back to the night the wet bandits were apprehended. McCallister was then found shortly after by police hiding up on the third floor with his cousin Fuller. For some reason he though people might forget to look for him up there.

thanks Steven Q