“He was snoring?” the investigator asked.

On November 27th, when all the major news outlets broke the news of the car accident, it sounded as though Tiger Woods was fucking dead. “Tiger Woods was in a car accident sustaining serious wounds and remains in serious condition” was all over CNN. I literally thought that Tiger Woods was at least going to have to get a lung removed. Then, his publicist came forward that he just had minor facial lacerations. Wow, CNN really jumped the gun on this one. Serious injuries? Then all this bullshit about him cheating on his wife came out to light. Of course he cheats on his wife. Did Elin beat him? Slap him in the face? Was he trying to drive away from her fury and as a result crashed into a fire hydrant and then a tree? Was she saving him or trying to kill him?  Then Tiger successfully became the first black man to cancel three police interviews without any ramifications. The whole episode seemed to come to an end when the Florida Highway Patrol decided to slap Tiger on wrist with a $165 fine for careless driving. I seemed to start to grasp the situation. Until I saw this headline on CNN this morning…

“Neighbor: Shoeless Tiger Woods snored on lawn”

(CNN) — A shoeless Tiger Woods snored on their lawn while the golfer’s wife stood silently by in the minutes after his SUV crashed into a tree, neighbors told Florida investigators

…Woods appeared to have a cut lip, but he wasn’t bleeding much, Adams told the troopers.

“Nothing on his shirt, nothing on his hands.

“It was a cool morning, so Adams and Harris covered Woods with a blanket and put pillows under his head, Adams said.”I tried to just keep everyone kind of calm,” he said.

When a trooper asked if Woods was unconscious, Adams said, “At that point, he was, uh, he was snoring.”

“He was snoring?” the investigator asked.

“He was actually snoring,” he said.

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