in 26 years of living, i have learned many things at sporting events. i went from being a little kid drinking a pepsi with my old man at the game to being a drunk hockey hooligan swilling beer yelling at the other team. one of the most important lessons to learn at a sporting event is bathroom etiquette. when 20-40,000 dudes need to take a piss all at once, you better have your shit together. you can bullshit in line, make fun of other teams fans, talk about other sports. but when you are finally up, you better be in and fucking out. stop whatever you are doing and piss. you better not fumble or fuck around with the beer thats in your hand or undoing your belt. dont talk to anyone. its simple. the pee thats in your bladder needs to be forced out as fast as possible down this urinal. thats it. we already had to wait for the little kid who ended up not going, and the super old guy that took forever. if you are an able bodied healthy person between the ages of 12 and 66 it should not take you more than 30 seconds, start to finish. if you need help, try my technique, the “thumb in the taint*”.
*while urinating, press thumb in the taint with the same off hand (hand not holding the penis) while doing a standing stomach crunch. zip up, leave restroom without washing hands, and enjoy the rest of the game.
.
i once pissed at a sox game for over 2 minutes. as i apologized to the guy behind me, he said- “dude, that was awesome” don’t tell me how to piss you twerp. if i can drink 4 16 ouncers before i go, then fuck those that are behind me when i let it out. at least i’m not clogging up the after each beer.