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I wake up, hungover as fuck. I look around to see the hotel room looks like something out of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Candy Man is written on the mirror in soap. I had a real moment when I said, “What the fuck did we do last night?” Then, I realized it was way past our departure time, so I decided to rouse my comrades by screaming, “Pack your shit, we gotta go!” The beginning of the car ride was rough for everyone, especially Nation. He took a sip of Senator Byrd’s Gatorade and immediately mumbled, “Pull over.” His vomiting eventually gave me the hiccups. Since Brohan and Nation were in the bag, and Senator Byrd insisted on driving all the way home, I felt obligated to stay awake and talk to him. We mostly talked about professional athletics. Eventually, when it was time to eat, we stopped at a Taco John’s which was thrilling for everyone… I got too aggressive and spent over $10. I had no problem with the burrito and quesadilla, but the potatoes ole gave me trouble. The bathroom at the gas station/Taco John’s was arguably the worst smelling place in the world. After we hit the road again I was curious as to when Kirk Herbstriet played at Ohio State but my phone was dead. I asked Nation for his phone but couldn’t unlock it. I tried everything but eventually I tried too many times and it fucked up his phone, asking him for a username and password and he was baffled. I felt shitty and was apologetic, but what a shitty phone? Eventually we got on the subject of lesbians as we were nearing the city of Chicago. Strap-on dildos was the main topic. It is my contention that strap-ons don’t actually exist in hardcore lesbian circles. At the core of lesbianism is the distain for penis and using a strap-on would be against that core belief. Also, when you watch lesbian pornography, the thing where the lesbian without the strap-on sucks the fake dick of the chick with the strap-on, that can’t possibly happen in real life. No body is getting anything out of it. We were all pretty much in agreement. Then we got on the subject of the invention of the strap-on dildo. It had to have been some girl with serious penis envy sitting around like, “Man, I got this handsome false cock, if only I could some how fashion a belt and ass straps like a jock strap to secure this on my crotch so I can fuck my old lady.” That seemed like a plausible scenario. As it happens this conversation was cut short because we were back in sweet home Chicago. Guess we will have to do another road trip to finish it.