imgross.org Fact Finding Mission Part 4: Another Night Out

part 1

part 2

part 3

We left the Metrodome hastily at the end of the game and saw a guy trying to play some 5 gallon buckets like drums.  He was pretty horrible.  If he came to Chicago and tried to do that shit after a game outside of a stadium he would probably get his ass kicked.  So we asked around about where the good bars were and there was only really close to the stadium, so laziness won out and we decided to go there.  There was a communication snafu and two rounds of beers were purchased when we first got there, so double fisting it was.  To make matters worse we sat at a table and didn’t want to be rude and not order anything from the waitress, so we chugged the first two rounds.  Brohan ordered some nachos that apparently had some aggressive jalapeño peppers on them because Nation had to order a glass of water.  Since pussy behavior is not in his modus operandi, we allowed it.  We had made a previous agreement that we would not order whiskey shots this night because we had all drank about a half a bottle the night before, so Senator Byrd… fired it up with a round of Dr. McGillicuddy’s.  We built a reputation with the waitress the right way by having succinct orders and over-tipping.  Nation and I stepped out for a cigarette and we discussed the nature of closers in our fantasy baseball league and how I felt they were over valued.  He sort of agreed but we could not come up with a viable reason why saves shouldn’t be a category.  In the bathroom they had some advertisments up over the urinals, the funniest of which was an ad to rent boats out on Lake Minnetonka, probably where Fred Smoot got the idea.  At one point some cougar came and sat at our table for a while.  We didn’t really talk to her and she didn’t say much.  She did a round of shots with us and insisted on paying for her own.  She eventually left, and even though I was pretty hammered I would have to say that was probably the most bizarre person we met on the trip.  Our waitress got cut and even though she had to run a marathon (or maybe a half-marathon, I wasn’t really paying that close attention) we got her to do some McGillicuddy’s with us.  This bar apparently closed at one, but I never heard last call.  Brohan tried to get us one last round before we moved on but the bartender (who was a prick) denied him, so Brohan called him a prick and stuck a $20 bill to his forehead.  It was starting to get hazy at this point but we went to some other bar that we walked to.  I recall playing mega touch with what I’m pretty sure was a lesbian couple, but I think the one sitting closest to me was kind of into my shit.  The more butch looking lesbian left while we were still playing, perhaps mad that I was hitting on her lover, but I was just trying to have a good time.  While we were outside smoking some asshole said something that started a quasi-fight between himself and Nation.  Eventually, the guys woman dragged him to the car.  Pussy.  For our final curtain call, Senator Byrd ordered a round of Wild Turkey 101.  I know we had agreed on a no whiskey policy, but that got thrown out pretty quickly and the Turkey was probably number 3 or 4 on the night.  That basically disabled my brain.  I’m pretty sure we took a cab back.  I know we ordered pizza.  We smashed our styrofoam cooler into a thousand piece pretending it was a professional wrestling prop and smashing it over each other’s heads.  And I kind of recall saying something like, “Fuck! We gotta be up in like four hours!”  Check us out tomorrow to see the final chapter of the Fact Finding Mission.