imgross.org Fact Finding Mission Part 2: First Night Out

After a few Milwaukee’s Best Ice it was time to hit the town and see what Minneapolis had to offer.  We walked down the street from our hotel and Nation asked a group of yuppies leaving a fine dining establishment, “You know where I can get a beer and a piece of pussy around here?”  We were greeted with, “Oh my God!” and “Hey-O!” (I capitalized the G in god because that uptight bitch definitely believed in a funless Christian God).  These people were know help so we trudged on through the rain.  We asked the door man in front of another hotel where the good bars were and he said, “I don’t drink….or smoke!”  This dickhead was no help either and Brohan let him know it.  So far the people in this town were assholes.  Finally, exhausted and thirsty, we just walked into a hotel bar since it appeared we were in the hotel bar district of Minneapolis.  At this bar we discussed the prospect of one of us being able to defeat a large dog… or jungle cat in a fight.  We all agreed that the dog would be beatable but the jungle cat would prove to be a greater challenge due to its claws.  Senator Byrd and I contended we could still defeat the animal until a recently cut waitress that was sitting at the end of the bar informed us that she worked at a zoo and the lightest jungle cat was at least 300 lbs.  The animal now had us out classed in every way.  It was time for a shot.  This is when we came to the realization that we probably wouldn’t remember much of the trip.  For some reason there are no shot glasses in the entire city of Minneapolis.  If you order a shot of Jameson they will give you about 2 1/2-4 ox. of booze in a rocks glass.  We were fucked.  We went and checked out some of the other bars in this neighborhood.  There was a tequila bar that we all immediately agreed was not our scene, so we ripped a shot of Patron and go the fuck out of there.  Then we went to some UK-themed bar where we decided we would pretend to be a band for the rest of the night.  After about 15 minutes of debate we decided our band would be called “The Usual Samurais.”  Senator Byrd was named the lead singer since the copious amounts of whiskey we drank had given him a tummy ache and he was quiet and withdrawn.  At another bar we tried Red Breast which is even more dangerous because it was in a rocks glass and it was smooth like Jameson but dull like scotch.  We had to get the hell out of there.  We hitched a cab up to some place called Uptown and proceed to hit the college bars.  After agreeing that the first bar was a douche factory, we moved onto another place.  A number of beers and plentiful Jameson shots later the Senator’s heart burn would not subside and Brohan had forgot his antacid in the room, so Senator Byrd sprinted to the nearest convenience store a couple blocks away and acquired some.  He was back in the game.  While he was gone, Nation had ordered a round of shots but didn’t want to wait for the Senator to get back so he divided up his shot into our three rocks glasses.  This was too much for Brohan who had the hot spits for about 5 minutes after that.  We went back to the douche bar because the second bar closed on us.  The Senator and I started hitting on basically the only two attractive girls in the bar (everyone in Minnesota pretty much looks like they are digging in for a long winter).  A group of males realized that we were swooping in with our windy city charm and using it on their best females, so they decided to make something of it.  After some name calling and finger pointing, cooler heads prevailed and we shook hands with the gents that had just been our adversaries.  However, just then one of the females decided to spit some ice from her cocktail on Nation and he decided it was time to call someone a cunt.  A few guys who were in the employ of the establishment came over and asked us to leave.  We obliged but not before a threw a wad of bills on the bar trying to keep up the appearance that we were some sort of legitimate rock band.  I soon remembered that I would never see these people again and I had just wasted $36.  I probably also confused a lot of people by talking to them about my band all night and then handing them my imgross.org business card.  Using our better judgment, we went back to our hotel, tired and hammered.  We ordered a pizza, which was reasonable, then I made some inappropriate phone calls and text messages, which was not.  We ripped the screen out the window to our non-smoking hotel room window then chain smoked cigarettes and enjoyed a few more beers.  Soon it was time for bed.  We had a big day coming up tomorrow with the Mall of America and the Metrodome ahead of us.  Come back tomorrow to read more about the imgross.org fact finding mission.

.