imgross.org Fact Finding Mission Part 1: The Road to Minneapolis

This weekend myself, CEO Scott, along with Senator Byrd and Associate Contributors Brohan and Nation headed to Minneapolis on a fact finding mission. The trip got off to a rough start when the Senator got caught doing some illegal dumping while trying to clean out his trunk to make room for our duffle bags. We, however, powered through and did not let this hinder the trip. It was a shot of Jameson at the local tavern and we were off. The first stop came relatively early since we needed gas. This was only going to be a one fill up trip since The Senator’s sports car gets fantastic gas mileage. Brohan and Nation pounded a tall boy behind the gas station while Senator Byrd and I checked out some of flags they had for sale. I thought about buying an American flag with deer on it but ended up passing. Once on the road again we decided to play some music to stave off boredom. Since my CD burner was broken, I was unable to make any sweet mixes. We ended up agreeing to listen to The Beatles since we had both the Cirque du Soleil “Love” album and the “White Album.” We marveled at the… advanced nature of the music, particularly the progression over the short period over which the music was produced on “Love” and we also were amazed by the variation over the course of a single album like the “White Album.” Rocky Raccoon is an extremely interesting song that got us talking about the dichotomy between John and Paul. Listening to Paul songs you can hear the work of a pop music genius. I mean the guy wrote a catchy ass song about a raccoon. This is why he went on in his solo career to make hits like Band on the Run with Wings. Then you listen to the stripped down version of Revolution on the “White Album” and you can see what the song really meant to Lennon as he wrote it. You know the producer said, “Hey this is pretty good but let’s get Paul over here and have him come up with a kick ass guitar riff.” This is how a deeply meaningful song like Revolution became a rock anthem that you don’t have to hear a single word to enjoy. This is why John’s solo career included a song like Imagine. It’s not to say that Paul made everything John did better. The social influence of the band should be greatly credited to Lennon. It was a beautiful codependent relationship. I contended (since I’m not a fan of Nirvana) that Nirvana could have had a similar impact on music had Dave Grohl had a greater influence on their sound. He’s proven his prowess for writing rock n’ roll pop songs with Foo Fighters. Kurt=John and Dave=Paul is basically what I was saying except Dave and Kurt didn’t have as balanced of a relationship. Of course this was discounting the fact that George Harrison was a genius and he wrote some great songs (Here Comes the Sun, Something, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, etc.). Ringo wrote songs about Octopuses. Fuck Yoko Ono. Once she came up Senator Byrd almost had to pull over thinking about her gross naked body on the cover of that one album.  All this banter made us hungry so we stop at The Brat House somewhere between Madison and Eau Claire. The Bartender had a nice body but a Wisconsin face. We all debated if we should try to fuck her in the bathroom and really get this trip going but decided against it. Beer brats and fried cheese curds assisted by a Budweiser that was on special was just what the doctor ordered. I almost didn’t want to leave this place when I realized that we could smoke indoors, but alas the road was beckoning. Most of the rest of the drive was dominated by talking about all the humiliating things we had done sexually to women. I described doggy style as my “finishing move” since any girl who has been decent enough to sleep with me multiple times knows that once we get there it’s not long until it’s over. We were still listening to The Beatles and I decided that I’m So Tired was my theme song and had I been a member of the band I probably could have written it verbatim. It was about 9 PM when we finally began to approach the northern Midwest metropolis. The Senator threw on a mix CD some girl had made for him with a bunch of rap songs he was into in college. I couldn’t tell you what any of them were since I don’t really care for that shit, but the boys were getting pretty crunk. We arrived at our hotel and we sent Senator Byrd and Nation in to check in since we had told them only two of us would be staying in the room in order to reduce expenses (our accounting division isn’t sure if we can write the trip off). The bald dickhead behind the counter was onto us right away and we realized this because he locked the stairwell forcing all four of us to walk right past him. We wondered if we were going to be reprimanded in anyway, but Brohan put it in perspective. “It’s like when I worked at Jimmy John’s and people would ask for water cups and then get soda. I knew what the fuck they were up to, but what the fuck could I do,” he said. That eased our collective minds. We iced down the 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best Ice we had acquired in Wisconsin in our Styrofoam cooler and it was on. We had made it. Stayed tuned tomorrow for part 2 of the fact finding mission…

.