things i never want to hear a woman say

- “I can’t believe I slept with that guy.”
Nothing is more unattractive than knowing about all the losers you fucked besides me.
 
- “Not tonight.”
Unfortunately, males suffer from a condition where they must ejaculate everyday provided they have a normal libido. Don’t fight science. Say something like, “Ok, but you have to do all the work.” I will be in and out of there in a minute.
 
- “Can I bum a smokey treat.”
Self explanatory.
 
- “It’s a good size.”
I don’t need to hear clichés when it comes to my penis. Just tell me I fuck like a god.
 
- “Don’t you have a girlfriend.”
You know goddamn well that I don’t have a girlfriend but this is a better way for you to ask me if I nailed the last female you saw me with in public.
 
- “What do you think of the name Tanner.”
Not only are you naming unborn children of ours, but you would think to name the kid Tanner?
 
- “I love Metallica.”
This means that every time Metallica goes on tour we will have to see the show together. As a result I will never get to go full meathead ever again.
 
- “I’m on my period.”
Instead of being explicit just push my hand away when I try to put it down your pants and tell me we can’t do that, then give me a blow job. I will go on record to say that I will watch “The Notebook” with the next woman that gives me an unsolicited blow job.
 
- “Do you think my sister is pretty?”
If this was the movie “Liar Liar” most men would respond to that with, “I frequently think about her when I masturbate and think it would be fantastic to fuck her.”
 
- “Tell me when you’re going to come.”
There are so few things I get joy from, so why do you have to ruin this for me by making me some sort of alert system for my orgasm. Plus, in my experience, girls that don’t swallow are just as high maintenance as the ones that don’t suck dick at all.

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