1. The Faux-Hawk- Either shave in a Mohawk so you look like a pro fighter or get a real fucking hair cut. This girlfriend’s mom friendly half-hearted attempt at rebellion makes you look like a pussy.
2. Pink v-neck tees- I will admit that I once had a pink dress shirt but I wore it at the request of my then girlfriend and I am sensitive to a woman’s needs. Women wear pink as a method of stimulating a man’s biological desire to get pink (vagina). When I see you in that pink v-neck, I think one thing: Pussy.
3. Leather wristbands- Not only are they impractical, but they look incredibly uncomfortable.
4. Sunglasses at night- Until I recently suffered a corneal scratch trying to take my contacts out while black out drunk, I didn’t even own a pair of sunglasses. Sunglasses are a sign of being a prick. Wearing your sunglasses at night is textbook douche baggery.
5. The boat song- Thank you Senator Robert Byrd for addressing an increasingly disturbing trend.
6. White belts and dress shoes- I wouldn’t even know where to find either of these items but if you have either, you suck. If you are wearing both, you’re a huge fucking douche bag.
7. Pit Bulls named Spike, Tyson, Buster, etc.- Alright dickhead, you aren’t a rapper or a boxer and you’re probably the guy who I will see walking his pit bull along side your anorexic girlfriends teacup poodle. Nothing makes my day like seeing you walking down the street with Tyson and hearing you talk on your cell phone saying something like, “Sure babe, I can walk Mr. Cuddles for ya.”
8. Flip flops- The next asshole I see wearing flip flops in a crowded bar, I’m going to start firing beer bottles at his feet. Plus, this has to be the most uncomfortable option for footwear possible. I’ve worn a thong before (another story for another day) and having something wedged between your toes has to be just as bad as having a string wedged in your ass.
9. You’re shitty sports fans- Douche bag, you give a bad name to well-meaning Cubs, Red Sox, Yankees, Steelers, Cowboys, Blackhawks, Lakers, and Celtics fans (there are obviously more teams but I’m starting to digress). Don’t sit there and tell me how great you think the Steelers defense is. It’s a fucking fact that they have a great D, I don’t give a fuck about your “opinion” that is actually something you heard on PTI before you went to the gym. Anyone who knows me knows that I own a 1993 teal Florida Marlins hat and I wear it every day. If people ask me if I’m a Marlins fan, I say, “Not really. But I would like to meet the guy that designed this hat.”
10. Joke Dancing- Let this be a cautionary tale to all you douche bags out there: I know a guy who was joke dancing in a bar and suffered a knee injury worthy of Alvin Mack. Next time you think about getting funky and being the life of the party, imagine what it’s going to be like when you run into one of your old frat brothers on the street and have to explain that you’re on crutches and in a leg splint due to a cabbage patch gone horribly wrong.
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I didn’t finish the article. that’s embarrassing.