if you are tired of the world being an idiot, but too polite* to let it show in an overt way, here is a list of things you can do to subtlety piss people off without them knowing you are doing it on purpose.
-wear a turtleneck**. even when turtleneck conditions are right (snowy holiday party), the turtleneck will have people looking at your neck asking themselves questions like, “isn’t that uncomfortable?” and even if it is, you can show no signs of it. if people inquire, simply deny any discomfort and change the subject. a sure-fire way to get under peoples skin.
-demonstrate remarkable posture. have you ever seen someone with really good posture and it fills your soul with rage? you can make someone else feel like that! the thing that makes people so mad is that good posture is normally a reflection of societal status. the better posture you have=the higher status you have. sitting up straight reminds people that they are a lazy bag of bones and they have forgotten a lot of the little things their parents taught them. and that you are better than them***.
-purposely screw up the good/well dichotomy. “hows’s my quiche? its well”…..they will be pondering if you’re grammar is incorrect, but by that time you will already be on to the next topic of conversation. if they bring it up again, knock your silverware on the ground and when you go to pick it up, say, “oh my shoes untied!” then untie and retie your own shoes. if they still haven’t moved on, ask them something related like, “whatever happened to velcro shoes?”
-say “good afternoon” as a greeting.
*or a pussy
**dickie turtleneck also applies, not to be confused with “mock” turtleneck, which is simply a normal turtleneck that has approximately half the neck length of a normal turtleneck.
***even though you probably aren’t…but they wont know that.
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Did you know you are hilarious?!