user testimonials

“when i logged onto gmail this morning i got the following message from an old friend: i thought of you this morning, on a block on my way to work there are a series of grafitti penises” (user: pope)

“after a night of heavy alcolhol abuse I spent the night at my girlfriends house.  When I woke up I realized that I had pissed an ungodly amount in her bed while fully clothed.  In order to avoid shear humilation since she had a friend sleeping on her couch I had to wake my girlfriend, explain the situation and send her to wash my soiled clothes and her soiled sheets.  I laid there in her pink bathrobe, hungover, while waiting for her to finish the laundry.” (user: scott)

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“I’m at work and just tried to stifle a fart. Everyone heard it. The worst part is, I think I need to wipe now and have to make the walk of shame to the bathroom.”  (user: drewba)

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“i once used an empty toilet paper roll stuffed with napkins as a spitter.”  (user: alec)

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“wake up extremely hungover from a long night of binge drinking at neighborhood inn the night before.  i use an electric toothbrush to clean my teeth and gums which is fooling myself into thinking my oral hygiene is good despite chewing tobacco and slowly seeing my gums recede.  make a pot of coffee and shower before being picked up to go to the sox game.  spill coffee on my shirt and immediately look like an  asshole.  talk to matt justin and greg about random things like dave andrews’ hair, slap bracelets and how good jalepeno flavored chips can be on the way to the game.  matt sees some boner in a mustang convertible who he gives the thumbs down to…..matt also uses his other hand to point to the thumbs down to make sure this boner sees it.  excitement picks up later when we tailgate at the game and drink a case of beer.  there are a lot of body hair references as we take our shirts off  to catch some rays.  greg tells a story about how i ate an entire jar of pickles one night at augie.  as young women walk buy our car the four of us rub our chest hair and ask them if they want to do body shots.  we all have out of shape bodies but still find ways to have sexual intercourse with good looking women.  the baseball game was ironically the most uneventful part of the day, despite sitting next to geoff karst from high school (which is funny because matt referenced him in a “psyche-out” about a month ago).  i found it more entertaining discussing such things as how the hand motion you use when saying someone is a “jag-off” is funny and more people should use it.*it is also relevent that we think that this term is location-specific as most people elsewhere use the phrase Jerk-off, but chicago is home to jag off.  i tried to meet up with a lady friend who was also at the game but that went awry.  after successfully  getting drunk we are pretty loud and make fun of other people by pointing out obvious things about them like, “suede vest!”.  it was 172 degrees on a summer day in chicago and one asshole wears a suede vesst.  

sox lose, we go to lincoln park to keep drinking and meet up with stefan.  at the lions head pub i am very ademant about wanting to get into the professional porn industry and hang out with hot  porn stars on a daily basis. *this is similar to my infatuation with wanting to get into serious drugs for no apparent reason other than what i think is just wanting to be part of a sub-culture.  the waitress at the bar is good looking and fun and was a good sport when we asked her drunk things like if igloos are real.  we continue to think body hair is funny and lift our shirts up almost proud to not be tan and in shape.  bordering on being drunk enough to get kicked out, we calm down as justin drives greg back to schaumburg, then comes back to the bar to hang out.  in the meantime, matt and i talk mostly about ex girlfriends and call random people in our phones for no apparent reason.  the night gets pretty blurry from there but im pretty sure we talk more about why tuxedo t-shirts are funny while drinking jagermeister.  it was probably the most fun we had since the time we sat around and invented words.  apparently we went to another bar after that but i dont remember.  in summation, it was a day of having fun and pissing people off.  i marvel at the fact that i actually have friends on myspace because so much time has been dedicating to being an asshole to people and acting before thinking.  i am now boring myself and am probably going to eat an orange.”   (user: adam)

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“i have absolutely had it with this human body.  it is a constant struggle to maintain.  before going out to see the general public for the day there is an upkeep regimen that is multi-tiered and gross.  upon awakening i must ingest food for caloric value so i have the energy to go about my day.  coffee a must.  then my body must filter out all the waste that i have consumed.  then soap.  shampoo.  face wash. floss. mouthwash.  toothbrush. athletes foot medicine. gold bond.  q-tips.  deodorant/antiperspirant.  blow nose.  belch. farting. this meticulous process is all done in the privacy of our own homes secretly guarded in our minds.  and we have made a social pact that this routine is taboo and nobody discusses it openly.  until now.  im gross.” (user: alec)

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“Last week I got so drunk that I couldn’t get myself home. I got kicked out of numerous cabs which reduced me to walking around the loop barefoot and puking on street corners.” (user” teody mccool)

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