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One of the most exciting time in any person’s life is the very first time they are given an empty cup at a restaurant, pointed towards a line of drink dispensing fountains, and told to have at it. I remember my first time. I was at the Burger King in Orland Park, Illinois. My mom handed me that distinctive brown cup and said, “Now, Honey-Bunchy you can go pick out your drinky-poo.” I gulped and walked over to the fountain and stared in awe at the array of selections.
There was Coca-Cola. There was Mr. Pibb. There was something called Fresca (which I assumed was some sort of rocket fuel). I spun around and around feeling like a princess at my first of many proms. And then I finally settled on Sprite and took a big sip right away. And, ladies and gents, I was satisfied.
Then I turned around and saw a long line of angry Burger King customers waiting to get their own drinks, looking at this little butthead spinning and sipping like a moron. They weren’t happy and they wanted blood.
I quickly ran out the door and was found a few weeks later by my real mother and not the nanny who kidnapped me, called me Honey Bunch, and forced me to eat at Burger King. But despite the harrowing experience, I had learned one important fact: I love soda fountains!
At the same time, however, I learned another fact: most people don’t understand how to properly use the soda fountain. They abuse it like a middle child and cause fellow patrons great discomfort and annoyance. After that first poorly executed fountain experience, I strived to always approach the art of drink dispensing with class and empathy to those around me.
I used to hope to influence people by example, thinking that as more people witnessed my technique, more people would put it into action. Unfortunately, it seems that the human race has gotten even worse at drink dispension. So now I will try one last ditch effort to change the world. With that, I give you a refresher course.
RULE # 1: Know Your Surroundings
This is the most important rule and if you take away anything from this lesson, I ask you to remember this. Look around you! If you see a large group of people converging onto the fountain, make note. This is going to limit the amount of innovation you can employ into this current beverage experience. But that’s okay. Pouring a beverage isn’t supposed to be some complicated procedure like splitting the atom or taking off a girl’s bra. It’s about pouring a damn drink.
If, in a very rare circumstance, the soda fountain is deserted, then you can take a bit of time to experiment. Want to mix Iced Tea with Lemonade? Go ahead. It’s delicious. Feel like trying Diet Coke with Sprite? Okay. That’s gross, but whatever? Want to try Mountain Dew with Fanta? Well you can’t! One is made by Pepsi and one is made by Coke. Idiot.
Continued…
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